Briar Rose c. 1997?
Briar Rose you never wake
you hide in deep slumber
and when your Prince Charming came
you didn’t even roll over.
Sleeping Beauty your pills are a vice
you take valium with vodka and ice
amd dream pf darkness
that washes like the sea
You will never lose sleep over your beauty.
This was likely inspired by a Robin McKinley book.
Me c. June 1999
You cannot mold my body
I am the shape of my ansectors
I can bring any man to his knees
I am still a child
I wear my hair in a palm tree
I still take naps
I love adventures
I am a woman
I can dance until dawn
drive fast in expensive cars
and sleep with the enemy
I still have room to groq
don’t duge me in a glance
I change in a blink of an eye
August 11th, 1995
I’m sitting/ writing in the corner of my own room! We painted it a peachy color, but I think it looks more off white. I have green/ pink rose curtains, a green bedspread, a huge bulletin board, flowers, little rose knobs on my closet. I also put my dream catcher over my bed. We’re going to buy me a double bed, a desk, nightstand, and we’re building a bookcase. My room is still a little messy and it looks empty.
Swim practice started on Monday (today is Friday). I have officially 9 days until high school starts. I’m nervous. Swimming is hard. We practice from 11-1 everyday (except weekends until school starts) then 3-5 after school. Saturday practices are at 8.m. I’m sore and a little red. I’ve met some nice people. I like the breaststroke best. I have thought about Jon a lot lately. I miss him and I think about him all the time. I got a letter from him on Saturday when I got home. I guess he is away at camp because I haven’t heard from him. I mailed him a letter a week ago. I tried to make him a vocal letter but it didn’t work out. I sounded weird. But I am making one for Valerie. That one doesn’t sound so weird. I know mom read my diary. Sure I’m mad but there’s no way I can change it except never leave it out again.
In all the people I meet. see I see Jon in them. If they smile or hug me I think of him. If I look into a guy’s eyes or they smile at me, I see Jon. I’m in love with him. He knows it, I might see a guy and be attracted to him but my heart beats true for one person only. That person is Jon of Raleigh, North Carolina. He plays guitar and piano and helps his dad build onto their house. Jon is a family name. His dad is Jon and so on. He is perfect (for me at least). I’ve only seen him once, but I’m still devoted to him. His letters (I’ve gotten 3) mean a lot.
Oh yeah, I’m a helper for bible school at church. The little kids are active but they are all cute and sweet.
Okay it’s 10:38 at night. I just finished listening to “When You Say Nothing at All” by Allison Krauss and the Union Station and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” by the Lion King. Those happen to be 2 of the songs Jon and I danced to. They were the last two before he gave me my first kiss. In my mind I was still dancing with Jon. In my mind I was still at Lutheridge. I sometimes live in the past. I pretend that I’m still with Jon. 6 weeks ago I met Jon. 6 weeks ago I got my first kiss. Six weeks ago I fell in love with the most wonderful guy in the world! Hopefully I’ll receive a letter from him tomorrow. I can’t get him off my mind. I miss him. I’m thinking of him. Do I sound like I’m obsessed with him? All I know is that I really like him. Susan, my counselor, liked a guy at Lutheridge but wouldn’t tell us what male counselor it was but now they’re seeing each other. I think she said Matthew something. If he is who I think he is, he was a PA counselor. I’ll have to ask Karen when she gets back from Nana and Papa’s. I’d better go. I’m tired.
PS- I’m in love with Jon
I love Jon!
Wishes c.12-28-1998 9:35 p.m.
I want him to look past
the size of my breasts
past the color and design
of ,y panty line
(or lack there of)
I want him to see the girl
behind the beautiful eyes
and uneasy smile
I want him to love me
the way I imagined he would
In light of all the sad shit floating around the world, this is my new “pick me up” song by First Aid Kit for those rough days.
I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong
I try to keep on keeping on
Yeah I just keep on keeping on
I promised you I’d quit
but why am I back to it?
Dying, crying, trying to stop
but I can’t.
My fingers are forced down my throat
I’m gagging and I start to choke
on my sobs
My skin is red
I’m so dizzy I don’t know
what I said
Just purging and purging for
the voice in my head
See that girl in the mirror
she looks different, maybe thinner
she looks like she losing
out to her dreams
August 4th, 1995
I swam 42 laps today and went out on the boat. That was fun. I like the wind in my hair and the spray of the water. I didn’t want to drive it because it scares me. I didn’t wear a life jacket. Mommy would be mad if she found out. Just like T and I went on a bike ride today along the roads and side streets. I rode Papa’s bike without a helmet. Last night I had Papa’s pipe in my mouth and I breathed it in and it tasted like tobacco. Papa offered to light it but I said no. I’m never going to smoke ever. Tomorrow I go home. My sister will come up in the middle of next week. I’m going to clean my new room and buy new furniture. Last night we went out to eat and to Walmart. I mailed letters to Jon and Megan. I bought cat stationary and envelopes. Papa paid me a dollar to go up and get seconds of dessert. Right now I’m sitting on the floor watching TV. On Tuesday I saw Clueless with T. Nana dropped us off and left. When it was over we had no adult with us. I have never been dropped off at the movies before.
My parents were super strict.
One of my most favorite things about my grandfather, was that he wasn constantly paying me a dollar to do things like eat a second dessert or guess his middle name.
My crazy old lover
my crazy lover
talking to you today
made my heart feel the same
as it did we had our passion two summers ago
You have a signifigant other
why wasn’t I signifigant enough to hold onto you?
I will win you back, eventually
My crazy lover
I never won him back. But it’s not a sad story. We’re still friends.