Mortification Monday

August 3rd, 1995

Dear Diary,

Okay, the hurricane didn’t hit us. But we had a lot of rain in Clearwater. In Homosassa the water didn’t even come up. Nana and Papa had a bunch of branches fall. But I honestly don’t want to talk about the hurricane right now. Sure I had fun. Like I went swimming in the rain and I’m sleeping in the camper, but the hurricane hit Alabama or something. And there’s another storm in the Caribbean I’ll let you if it hits.

What I want to talk about is falling in love. How do you know when you are falling in love? I guess you feel it. I’m not sure I’ve felt it. Or I think I may have. Like now. All I know is I like Jon. Really like him. But I don’t know if it’s love. Sure I say I love him, and in my letters to him I tell him I love him. But do I really feel it? I also wonder if when people say they love or like you if they’re just saying it or is it true? I mean I don’t think I’ve ever actually fallen in love. But I have had crushes and I’ve thought I was in love but never was. I wonder if I’m in love with Jon and if I’m ever going to fall in love. I’m subject to change my mind like I think I like a guy or have a crush on him but then the next day I don’t. I guess I’m only attracted to guys. I wish I would be swept off my feet. I’d love it if a guy brushed my hair or played with it, if he kissed my forehead or my hand . I’d like him to caress my hand and have him run his hand along my hand or trace my face. I’d love to dance in the rain or be swept into someone’s arms and spun around. I want someone to send me flowers for no reason or have a guy write me poetry or songs. I’d love to be sung to.

I have a dream or fantasy that I’ll see Jon at my high school and he picked me up and he held me in his arms. He would spin me around and kiss me. He would give me flowers and say I love you. Or that I see him at Lutheridge and I run to him and hug him and he’d kiss me and say I love you. Or we’d be walking/ hiking at Lutheridge, he’d pic a wildflower and give it to me to carry or put it behind my ear and say, “a pretty flower for a pretty girl.” Or else we’d be in front of my cabin and he’d kiss me goodnight. It’d be gentle and soft. Or he’d hold me close in front of a fire and sing me a song. Or even ask me to sow dance to a fast song at a dance. I want to be crazy in love. I want to be swept into his arms and have him say, I love you, Danielle or Char. I doubt any of this will happen. Maybe I’ll see him again. I know I’ll keep these dreams inside my head and pretend they’re real. No one knows this but me and you.

This is what I want-love. I want to fall in love with Jon. I wish on every star that I’ll fall in love with him.

Danielle (Char)

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